The Linux Operated Toilet is here. It was advertised to be the greatest
thing since the invention of toilet paper.
I bought one, and tried to install it. It was not compatible with
standard plumbing, and to be installed, it required special costly
adaptors, and major modification to the piping, which required a
plumber, and cost a fortune for his services.
Finally, it was installed, and I sat down on it, ready to take a
relaxing shit. I began to shit, when suddenly the toilet seat began to
close, pushing me off the seat and on to the floor. I had not yet
finished shitting, and the damn seat refused to lift, as a message
scrolled across the lcd readout screen, which said "Security Breach, you
must update to version 8.2, press YES to proceed. I waited nearly an
hour for the update to finish, and finally drove to the nearby
convenience store to finish my shit.
When I got back home, I noticed a message on my linux toilet that said
"Update Failure - please try again". I was told to enter the command
line, and enter some code that was at least 300 characters which did not
even make any sense in English, but I did what was instructed. That is
when the entire toilet locked up, and kept repeating "Contact Service
Center at 800-2*5-0110. After speaking with some guy with a foreign
accent, he told me to go to the command line, and enter some code. That
did not work, so he told me to push the reset button. I did as he said,
and the toilet began flushing repeatedly, soon it was overflowing. The
guy on the phone told me to call a plumber immediately.
I hung up the phone and called a plumber. By the time he arrived, there
was at last 1000 gallons of water pouring across the bathroom floor,
down the carpeted hall, and draining down the heat register in the
kitchen. The plumber turned off the water, and told me that I would need
to contact the manufacturer of the linux toilet, since he was not
familiar with them. He handed me a $489 emergency bill, before he left.
I quickly called a carpet service to come soak the water out of the
carpeting. Then I phoned a furnace repair company, because all the water
that went down the heat register had caused the furnace to quit working,
and it was getting cold in the house.
After picking up a lot of soggy clothing, removing several rolls of
soaked toilet paper, and watching several ceramic tiles fall off the
base of the bathroom wall, I was finally able to call the toilet
manufacturer. He began telling me to do the same things that other guy
had said, when I told him that I was not going thru this again, and that
my water was shut off anyhow. That is when he told me that my whole
problem is because the water is shut off, and once I turn it on, the
toilet will function properly.
I asked to speak with his supervisor, and after 40 minutes on hold, I
finally got the guy. He told me that he could talk me thru the problems
as soon as I turned the water on. That's when I told him I was not going
to do anything further, and I expect a service representative to come to
my home and repair this under the warranty. He said he could send
someone in ten days. I became angry and told him I wanted someone TODAY.
He told me he could send someone today, but I'd be charged $189 plus
travel expenses for an emergency call. Out of frustration, I agreed.
After three phone calls, telling me he was delayed, four hours later a
man arrived with a screwdriver and a laptop computer which was
suprisingly running Windows XP. He removed a cover plate on the toilet,
plugged in his laptop, and hit a few keys. He then told me it was a
Linux failure and he would replace it with a newer version.
Ten minutes later, he handed me the bill, and said "You're good to go",
and quickly left.
Except for four fans running, and a shop vac being operated by the
carpet guys, everything was back to normal. I sat down on my toilet and
felt like a king. The lcd readout said "Normal mode". I began taking a
shit and reached over for some toilet paper. That's when I heard a loud
frightening groan, along with the sound of sirens, coming from the
toilet. Suddenly my shit blew straight up on my ass, where it hung in
chunks and strands. Then a large blast of feces contaminated water shot
up from between my legs, soaking my face and all of my clothing. Seconds
later, flames began shooting out of the control panel and I felt a
powerful electric shock, which threw me right off the toilet against my
bathtub, leaving a huge bruise on my forehead.
I quickly shut off the breaker for the toilet, then I did what the
plumber did, and shut off the water. Then I quickly ran to the garage,
grabbed a tire iron and a large hammer. I went into the bathroom, and
using those tools, I demolished that entire toilet, and tossed the
pieces in the garbage. Then I phoned the plumber, and told him to come
as soon as possible, and reinstall my old toilet.